It’s been months since my last blog. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been in the greatest place to write. I don’t really know what to write.
I haven’t known how to express my current feelings and emotions and realities. My life is different, and at times I’m not really sure how to handle the reality of what seems like forever here on earth of just getting by and living a life that is not my heart's desires. I have gone to God's Word where it says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, and many moments where my faith has failed me because I don’t believe. I don’t believe we get what we want when we want it. I don’t believe we live a life that is suitable to our every desires. Sure, I know God blesses us because He wants us to enjoy life, but I would be lying if I said it’s been all swell and that it’s “supposed” to be swell. (Swell is such a fun word to say. I said it in an English accent)
I am human. I am not perfect. BUT I love Jesus with my whole heart and I have continued on. I have pressed forward in weariness, in struggles, in battles, in blessings and in self afflicted dumbness. :-) (if that’s even a word hahaha) I’m learning a lot and growing a lot, but also in that learning and growing are mistakes to recognize. The questions and the whys. The bitterness and the pain. The stubbornness and pride. So on.
A few nights ago I read 1 John 3:20, “If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts.” God is greater than it all. HE is the giver of life even when life seems to have no breath. He is eternal love and gives peace because He Himself is peace. When there is chaos HE IS WHO WE HAVE TO RUN TO. The moment I read this I was reminded that nothing at all can ever separate us from the LOVE of God, HE is above it all and we can rest a
ssured that HE will always be there to guide us and sometimes carry us when our knees are feeble. Can I be real for a moment? For a while I regretted grieving openly on media because there are so many haters, hahaha lovers too :-) But being a widow is super frustrating, especially being Brent Yim’s wife, and in the light, it’s like every move you make is being watched, whether good or bad. I’ve literally just been winging it, you know... LIFE I’m winging it at life. BUT I'm actually ok with all people's opinions now because I’m learning to do what I FEEL/know IS BEST EVEN IF IT ISN’T!!! Don’t we all do this? Wing it at life? lol except for all you OCD perfectionist. Roll my eyes behind my head. <3 Seasons change and my season is to keep going and to RAISE MY PERFECT BEAUTIFUL BOYS THAT ARE MY ENTIRE WORLD. My job is to keep my eyes above and be faithful at what’s in front of me. And I’m beyond happy to do that truly. The hard times have forced me to be stronger. To work harder and to set goals that I never did before.
Jaiden and Micah...
My boys are truly amazing and doing really well. Jaiden holds a lot in about Brent BUT is the sweetest, kindest, smartest soul on earth and Micah talks way too much and is super witty but is so cuddly and cute still and asks when God will give him a new daddy :-( so sad uh? It’s sad when they have to explain to kids at school that their daddy died or that they have to watch other kids with their families. BUT it’s their story and journey and God will teach them to be strong men one day because of all they have had to learn. They are the best and I can’t thank God enough for my babies.
Where am I... I have come to a place where I am genuinely happy for Brent. I miss him all the time! I do cry still but not as much and some days are harder than others. The holidays this year were very very difficult without him. Lonely in a way, but now because I know Brent doesn’t give a rip because he's in heaven lol. I want God to bless our family again! I Pray that I can get remarried. (never would I have ever thought I would say those words) Someone I can share life with on earth who can accept all of Brent too and my boys. But if God doesn’t have that for us then I guess I’ll just keep shopping at Target with no one to tell me not to spend money! hahahahaha I loved being a wife and a stay home mom!!!! I hope all you ladies appreciate that and don’t take that for granted! It’s truly the greatest gift in my opinion! God created us to be relational beings and we all long for that deep inside. I am truly thankful for the years I had, but the reality is that my amazing wonderful husband is no longer here and I have to keep living and have to keep marching forward and I intend to do just that. It may be sloppy, but whatever, I’m cool with sloppy. Maybe it will be really perfect and I’m cool with that too :-)
Life is TOOOOOO short. There are so many people out there hurting. Maybe your own family members, or neighbors or co workers. Life isn’t about sitting around feeling sorry yourself, although I do believe there is a season where you can’t help it. I desire to get up and do whatever depends on me to be joyful and helpful to others. To give when I can, to laugh with those who laugh and to cry with those who cry. Love the people around you. Cut the drama. And build on the relationships you have. It’s worth it :-) Just a little late night thoughts. Thankful for God and His love.