Unable to move...

Fear it's time to go...

When I was a little girl, I remember standing by a window sill during a thunderstorm. Every summer we would always have them, crazy lighting and thunder that would light up the skies and bring loud thunder noises through the air. Now, as an adult, I love them! I think they are beautiful and even sometimes stand outside just to watch it all and am in awe of God’s creations. As a little girl I didn’t think they were so great though. As a matter of fact, I was so scared that fear would overtake me completely, DEBILITATING me to move, or talk or even hear reason. I would stand there, for literally ever, frozen starring outside frightened and begging God to take it away. The relief I had when it was over and that nothing bad happened (don’t ask me what I thought would happen hahaha because I really don’t even know) would make me feel like I could live again. Go play, and whatever else it was that I did as a little girl.

I have always been an anxious fearful person. ALL of my fears, looking back have been completely and utterly unreasonable and ridiculous to the point where I can now look back at MOST AND ALMOST ALL my fears and laugh because I worried for literally no reason. Time wasted. I wasted so much time worrying about something that would never even happen. The chances of a lightning hitting me was zero percent.

I held Brent, my husband, in my arms…. I laid down next to him…. as his breathing got slower and slower and slower. His lifeless body against mine, as I spoke into his ears, “ it’s going to be ok. I love you so much.” A few moments later, he took his last breath… I waited a second for him to breath again. I waited for that miracle, but that wasn’t in Gods plans. He was taken from me, my family, his family. He was now forever in eternity. One of life's greatest fears, DEATH, was looking at me in the eye, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. The months of nutrition and vitamins and chemotherapy and radiation. The sleepless nights of prayer and worry and GOD STILL CHOSE TO TAKE BRENT TO HEAVEN. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent the brain tumor or to take it away.

For a while, because of my hurt, I feared nothing. As a matter of fact it was morbid. I almost wanted something bad to happen. ( I know super weird uh?) I wasn’t’ afraid to sleep by myself, when I could NEVER sleep without Brent until he got home, I wasn’t afraid to go out anywhere at anytime. Then…..all of a sudden it hit me again, with revenge and in the worse way that it could possibly hit me.

Fear. Fear has taken my eyes off of the ONE who is in control of EVERYTHING no matter how much I worry no matter how much I “take control” of my life or the lives around me, I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I have forgotten what it is to trust God. I have forgotten that HE has the victory. I have forgotten that HE holds the stars in their place and HE raises the sun every single morning. He doesn’t forget and HE does it all so perfectly and so well. And you know what? More people know what I am talking about than not.

I know a girl, who every time she talks, her statements are so confident. She’s “not” afraid of her kids getting hurt, yet, worries about them more than most people I know and doesn’t allow them to do much. It’s almost like she's either in denial or she really doesn’t see how fearful she really is and covers it up with “confidence.” To a certain degree we all have a little fear. Some a lot. Some to the point where you’re stuck. You can’t do anything. You can’t go to the movie theater because you’re afraid someone will come in and shoot it up. You don’t drive on the freeway because of the possibilities of an accident. You don’t let your kids have an ounce of sugar for God only knows why hahahahaha (jk I’m not making fun of you, I watch my kids sugar intake too  ) SO MANY fears. The fear of what will people think of me? The fear of getting on a plane? Or falling in love again. All the things going on in the world are definitely unsettling and can cause an unwanted fear.

I had a conversation with my amazing and wise sister-in-law. She shared with me a picture of a vine with tons of leaves and more vines and leaves. Looking at it seems so very overwhelming because of all the vines. But it all stems from ONE root. And if we can just find the root and pluck it out then the vines and leaves will die. As of lately, I have been so crippled. In every area of my life, that I have gotten to the point where I’m exhausted and don’t want to carry such burdens that God hasn’t called me to carry anyway. People may get frustrated with you, but it’s a real thing that you deal with everyday.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN EVEN WHEN YOU TRUST GOD. Trusting God and handing him your fear, isn’t going to make your life easier. Doesn’t mean someone you know won’t get cancer, or that there might be a bad accident. It means that you are too tired of living in a control bottle of fear and that you are ready to be freed from the victory that is ALREADY there. The Bible says that “ The battle is in the mind” yet the Bible also says, “ The battle belongs to the Lord.” To be free doesn’t mean you don’t use wisdom, It means that you will release your family, your kids, your future to the ONE who holds it all together anyway.

Then, you will begin to enjoy those lighting storms. You will enjoy watching your kids eat a cupcake at a birthday party because they are having a blast with chocolate frosting on their face. The freedom and VICORY bring joy. “We shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God.” “Perfect love cast out all fear.” His love towards us is so perfect. Jeremiah 29:11 says that He has good plans for us. Not to harm us. If we believe that God is good, then we need to trust that He has only good things for us.

For a while, because of my insecurities I was afraid of people's comments about me homeschooling my boys. I can’t tell you the freedom I live in today in walking confidently in what God has called me to in homeschooling my kids and now, as challenging as it is, I love it and am actually enjoying it! Why am I enjoying it now? Because I’m not afraid anymore of what people may think or not think. Most people don’t even know anything anyways because they don’t bother to ask.

I have a long way to go. Some of you may have a long way to go BUT I know that there can and will be Victory. I read a girl say it this way, “ Faith over fear.” Love it.

“So, do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10