A few days ago we were standing in a line at Wal-Mart, just the boys and I. I saw Micah, without blinking starring at a man that stood behind us while quietly stretching his head to my ear and whispered, “mommy what’s wrong with that man?”
As I turned back I could see the rest of the people in line starring at this man. He clearly had a disease, still not sure what he has, but his body couldn’t stay still. His arms were constantly moving, his feet couldn’t stay put, even in line, his face kept looking back and he was completely unable to NOT move, I mean literally he was everywhere and had no control of himself.
For the few moments that I did stare, I noticed how very, very hard he DID try to stay put. I noticed he put his hands in his pockets of his jeans, and when his arms would jitter out, he would grab his wallet and pretend to be grabbing a credit card. When his body got tired of that he would hold on to the side of the candy bar shelf and so on. He struggled. He KNEW everyone around him could see his disease and no matter how hard he tried to seem normal, or make his body stop moving, he couldn’t hide what his body couldn’t control. At one point, he actually dropped his credit card that he grabbed from his wallet. Not ONE person around us bend down to help this man, they all just stared! By the time I reached over to help him he had already picked it up and put it back in his pocket. My heart was just so sad BUT I couldn’t help but think of one thing…..
I saw myself in this man. I felt the stares, I felt the whispers of people asking, “When is she going to be ok.” “Why is it taking so long for her to heal?” “Where is her joy?” I felt the stares of people looking to see what my next move is and if it’s what they think is good or not. I felt how people were uncomfortable. I felt myself trying so hard to be normal, yet unable to control the fact that I feel lost, I haven’t figured out where I fit in, I feel VERY, VERY TIRED and everyone is just whispering. Now, I could be just letting the lies of satan brainwash me but then…..
I started to think of how I used to think before Brent died. Of people grieving. My heart is ugly. And there are whispers and you know what? IT’S OK. Because you’re truly just trying to understand. Just like Micah really wanted to know what was wrong with that man. It really is hard to understand a grieving person. Sometimes we just don’t want to be around them because they all of a sudden have a ton of problems, seem lost, cry all the time, and plain and simple we don’t want to feel joy ripped from us. We don’t like the feeling.
I read a book a few nights ago called, “Tear Soup.” It’s about this woman who is dealing with a loved one that died. She decides to make soup and realizes that soup (grief) takes a loooonnnnngggg time to make and different ingredients need to go into the soup. At one point in the book, some of her friends and family would pass by her house , BUT they wouldn’t go in because the soup would be cooking and the smell of the tears were too strong so they would just pass by and leave. But she did have one friend that would come over often and she would have soup WITH her. The smell of her grief soup wasn’t too strong for her, she would sit and help her figure out the next ingredient for her soup and deal with all that she was going through. This grieving woman had now made a new friend, where the old ones didn’t seem to come around anymore, the new ones were always knocking on her door.
That might seem ridiculous to you but I was crying reading it. You know, what’s done is done. It was in God's perfect will and plan to allow Brent the privilege of going to heaven. But the reality of trying to live as a single mamma, doing EVERYTHING, including carrying the burdens of finances and discipline etc. and missing your very best friend and father of your children, is very, very tiring and sometimes just doing the next thing seems too difficult.
Making dinner seems like a huge chore. I condemn myself at times, seeing moms doing this Pinterest thing, or whatever and I’m over here just trying to drink my coffee. LOL
I need my faith to be refreshed. I feel as though I’m looking so much at my circumstances that I’m forgetting about the big wonderful amazing and loving God I serve. WHY ARE MY EYES OFF HIM??? Maybe because I don’t want His will if it means doing something I don’t like?
Maybe because faith requires a lot of letting go and letting Him. BUT deep down inside, the desire to feel joy again is so strong. The desire to live by faith even when EVERYONE around me may think something different. I desire to have more of Jesus, more faith, more joy, more of Him……….and that only comes by choosing to just give-up and let go.
Let go of the whispers, let go of what everyone else is doing and do what is in your heart, let go of all those things and just live according to the joy and promises set before us. There will be hard days, but to not let those hard days bring your spirit down, instead just go with it. Don’t fight against it, all things are out of our control anyway. Do your part in spending time with Jesus and letting go.
“I know you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted. You ask, 'Who is this that obscures My counsel without knowledge? ' Surly I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'listen now, and I will speak, I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” -Job 42:2-5