My thoughts on Widows remarrying, Single parenting AND the 2 critics.
For the past few months there has been SO much going on in my brain that I have literally been wanting to write it all down, BUT was so unsure how to address these thoughts without sounding bitter or annoyed... or even relaxed and carefree.
So I just decided to write anyway and pray that whoever reads this will be more blessed as you enter the mind and heart of this widow and I pray this would bring an understanding of where I stand, my struggles and my victories.
As of recent, I have had a few conversations with people about widows getting married again. The thought itself is just a weird one and super weird even talking about it YET though sad, it is a subject almost EVERYONE wants to know. I remember the thoughts I had when I would hear or see of a widow getting married again. I just couldn’t understand it. I never thought "bad or good" just "weird".
Some would say, “it hasn’t been long enough.” Some would say , “it’s been TOO long.” (you can NEVER put a time frame on God when you're a believer) Some don’t really care what others are doing (which I wish we were all like this) Some, who haven’t been in our situation could THINK they know what they would do or what they wouldn’t do, BUT reality is , that EVERY SINGLE PERSONS JOURNEY OF GRIEF AND OF LIFE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN ANOTHER. AND YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN A SITUATION UNTIL YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN IT.
Trust me, I used to say a lot of things and have learned (and continue to learn) to keep my mouth quiet because I seem to always eat my words! Haha No one's life looks exactly the same and if you are a believer you walk in God's will not your own. I have heard some widows say, “ I will NEVER get remarried and others who so graciously say, “Yes, of course I want to be married again, I know what it’s like to be married and I want that again.”
Neither one is wrong IF it’s from the Lord, it’s a matter of what God wants in each individual's life that should be looked at. Look at Ruth or Anna in the Bible, both widows, their future lives completely different yet both from the Lord. I have this funny little thing I think, some people have said, “I hope Andrea gets married again.” And I laugh because I know if I did those same people would also say, “gosh I CAN’T believe she got married again!” hahaha Maybe not, but isn’t that our human nature? Really!
Maybe I’m the only one that thinks like that, maybe I’m a weirdo. Honestly, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve. Truth is, I desperately miss Brent. With everything in me, I love him. It has been almost 3 years and I feel the same as the day he left us, although there have been many blessings and victories. I know what Brent would tell me, I know where Brent's family and my family stand and how they all want God's will for my boys and I. But I have to admit when you look at a widow or widower I can say it takes bravery and forcing oneself to take one step in front of the other and allowing God to do what HE wants to do in one's life.
I think of Joshua, before every battle God had to remind him that God was with him and to be brave and courageous. Either way, whether that person gets married again or not, both takes bravery and courage and lots and lots of FAITH.
You wanna know the truth? There are days I can’t even literally imagine the thought of being married again. How do you love again? How do you let someone else love your children? It trips me out to even think about having another life because it’s so overwhelming. BUT as a child of God I can honestly say, although difficult sometimes, that YES, I want whatever God has for me whatever that means, to get married again or not to. It’s not like it is easy, but it’s a choice to let God break down certain walls in my heart and my prayer has been that I would not put my hand out at God's will and blessings for our life Because it seems easier to just raise my boys and then die! (lol I am being super dramatic)
But really, I was 28 years old when my Brent went home, it’s not my fault nor is it any other widows. AND let me say this just to clarify IT IS NEVER EVER, EVER REPLACING!!!!!!!!!! How can people think you’re replacing that person?? It’s just ridiculous and I’m not even gonna talk about that because it makes me SO mad. You don’t tell a Mother who lost her son to replace that son. It’s the same thing, it’s just a DIFFERENT relationship.
I spoke to one girl whose friend was a widow and got remarried. That widow had posted a picture of herself at her husband's gravesite and said something on the lines that she will always love and miss him WHILE being married to her new husband. My friend just thought that was not ok and weird……………………………………. NOT at all!
How can you ever forget that love and that person and that life you’ve had and just move on to never acknowledge?? You don’t, but society CAN be, not always and not everyone, but some can be so hard and put lots of pressure on widows. It seems easier at times to just keep living in a widows position. I have become comfortable in my new identity, looking forward to heaven. BUT God is also softening my heart to accept His will for my life. You know, I used to think how can you love the same, but God showed me by looking at Jaiden and Micah that I love them the exactly the same just in different ways.
God has made our hearts so big to love more and has created us to be relational beings and so it’s a good thing when a widow gets married again. And though it is different I have seen love in widow's lives just the same but in different relationship. Look at the story of Ruth, so much redemption, but that doesn’t mean it’s for EVERYONE.
So I say all that to answer so many people's simple question, “will Andrea get married again?” hahaha The answer is simple, “IF THAT’S WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE I CAN’T STOP HIM, JUST LIKE I COULDN’T STOP HIM FROM TAKING BRENT.” My life is not my own. I am completely content where God has me and like my widow friend said, if I am called to be like the prophetess Anna who prayed in the temple day and night then I embrace it because it is God's very best for my boys and for me. (although I probably would never pray as much as Anna did though the thought is nice )
True satisfaction comes from Him. BUT if God brings a man to love on this earth and continue what Brent started in raising the boys then I embrace that because that is God's best. And it’s all in HIS timing and on His terms. A friend reminded me of a conversation Brent and I had at In and Out one day before he even got sick. He said, “if anything happened to you I would HAVE to get married again, and I would hope you would too.” I told him I didn’t care if he got married again, she just couldn’t be prettier or nicer than me!! Bahahahahaha
I hope that gives some people an inside perspective of not just where I am, but for all widows. It’s hard to face the public and friends and family BUT it is what it is and unless you walk in one's shoes it’s better just to sit back and pray. I have so many verses I want to share, so I will write them below.
SINGLE PARENTINGOk, for the record, JUST because your husband works all the time and you do everything does NOT mean it's the same as being a single parent! I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that, well I do everything it’s LIKE I’m a single parent. Well here's the thing, your husband still comes home so you’re actually not! Lol I used to do everything. Brent was gone all the time so I had to do everything. And let me just say it’s not the same. It is 100 percent harder.
There is no emotional support, or physical help or just a ,”hey babe how was your day.” Nope, nothing. I’m not at all saying this for anyone to feel sorry for single parents. I just want to explain certain positions.
This past Sunday Micah threw the biggest fit EVER spitting at me, hitting my face etc. at church. SO I started walking away from him very fast because I thought I could literally put him up for adoption that very moment. We went into church and sat down BOTH of us crying! Everyone was raising their hands worshipping and there we were, crying, frustrated and angry. There were 3 ushers just literally looking at me. No idea what just happened, no idea at that moment I missed Brent and just wanted him to take Micah from me etc. It was at that moment I had to pray extra hard for extra grace, extra love and extra patience.
Sometimes it’s all overwhelming. This new life, being a single parent alone and desiring so much to please God in it all. “His grace is sufficient. When we are weak that is when we are strong.” He has been my constant rock and a father to the fatherless and I am thankful. Not much else to say regarding that other than pray for my boys and for my patience. We have been extremely blessed with TWO amazing families, mine and Brent's. Then we’ve been blessed with our CHURCH family.
I feel extra fortunate and in my situation I don’t have it half as bad as a lot of other single parents, so I say this, when you see a single mother or single father, that there would be words of encouragement, understanding and MUCH MUCH prayer.
“THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS SHALL REAP IN JOY. HE WHO CONTNUALLY GOES FORTH WEEPING, BEARING SEED FOR SOWING, SHALL DOUBTLESS COME AGAIN WITH REJOICING, BRINGING HIS SHEAVES WITH HIM.” –PSALM 126:5-6