The GREAT REWARD….The courageous and daring prayer to trust.

How often do we ask and pray and plead to God that HE would give us the ability to TRUST Him more? I am truly convinced, more now than ever that trusting in Him consist of more than a sweet prayer. It consist of a physical, mental, and spiritual reliance on the everlasting God. When there is financial difficulty, a death, a job loss, parenting issues, the unability to conceive, singleness, the wrong doing to you from a dear friend,…TRUSTING seems as though we have forgotten it even exist. It is replaced with the whys? The emotions of anger and bitterness. The hardening of the heart to just turn to the things of this world. We choose not to go to Him, but run from Him. So why then do we talk to one another as though were just, “trusting in the Lord.” Or why then do we even pray if we can’t recognize that in order to TRUST HIM fully and completely depend on HIM then we HAVE to experience the absolute NEED of Jesus Christ.

I know I may sound shallow, but quite the opposite when I say I believe with my entire heart that unless you have suffered, and all to different degrees, then you can’t fully know what it is to learn to CHOOSE JESUS. Believe me, I’m not saying we have to trust in Jesus because it’s the right thing to do, which it is, but I am saying that when the nights comes, and I can’t breath because my husband is not by my side, and pain dwells up in parts I never knew even existed, I willingly choose to TRUST Him as long as I’m alive because HIS love endures……… I heard this song written by a man with cancer and the words say;

“I trust in you for every heartbeat as long as I’m alive, your love endures when I wake and close my eyes, help me to know you are God and I am not . remind my soul you're in control . Praise to the father with every breath I take in joy and sorrow all for your kindness sake be thou my vision and my hope restored, now and forever you are my great reward.
I won’t demand to know the reasons for my suffering...
These open hands will trust your wisdom beyond what I see
Help me to know you are God and I am not, remind my soul you're in control.
I know this is dangerous and daring just to pray this but I will trust you lord the rock throughout the ages ……you make me courageous
Help me to trust you more.”

My heart SO yearns for the Father to look me in the eye and say, “well done Andrea, for you have fought the good fight, you have finished the race AND you have kept your faith.” I yearn so deeply for God to say, “Andrea, when everything seemed to be taken from you, what you did with my son Jesus Christ is your great reward! “ I weep daily and truly it is a journey and cross that I carry every second. People on the outside, if they are normal hahahaha know that I’m literally just trying to get through my day, and yes STILL, but I trust that God has allowed me to stay here until he takes me home too and for that I will trust Him to lead, provide, guide and take me to level of intimacy I have never experienced before. Yes, little rays of sunshine peek through the clouds when the rains beat down and for that I must say, “Thank You Jesus, I choose to trust you, not be angry and trust you, I choose to know that YOU are God and I am not……….

Things he left behind: All things we leave behind

As I walked around my house, picking up toys, finishing dishes from dinner, doing good night devos with the boys........

I looked up and noticed Brent's watch and sunglasses hanging on the key holder. They haven't been touched. They are right where he left them the last day he walked in the house, took them off and hung them up.

His clothes hang in our closet, his contact lenses still sit in our bathroom just the way he left them. His toothbrush next to mine, his shoes and phone charger in the same place where they should be, his truck and the keys to his truck hang on that same key holder.

I pondered a few simple words, "that's it....it's all left behind". It made me really think that Everything we have, things we think are important, material things we put so much emphasis on will all be just be left here when we die, if Jesus doesn't come back for us.

I fully understand that "things" are ok when the Lord blesses you with them, BUT how much does it truly honestly matter? In a broad perspective IT DOESN'T!!!

Brent is in eternity in glory and took nothing with him! We take nothing with us when we leave! How important are our "things" to us.

Also in the sense of family and relationships. How we treat our family, how we talk to them how we love them. Those things matter.

In a relationship, looks are great, you SHOULD BE attracted to the person you're with BUT does she fear the Lord and honor you? Does she esteem you by being by your side coming alongside all that God has called you to do?? Does he love you the way he is called to and lead you in your walk?? Or are looks and jobs all that consume you're heart and brain?

Take a step back and realize what REALLY REALLY MATTERS. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me I just want everyone to realize that I would trade in EVERYTHING that I have to sit right next to my husband and just hold his hand. Serve him. Love him.

The Bible says that naked we came to this earth and naked we leave!! Were not gonna take our fashion or money or homes to heaven.....(again don't feel guilty for having those things) but it's all a perspective check, who we are as a person in Jesus is what lasts for eternity. How we pray for others and treat others and love others is gonna last for an eternity.

God is more concerned about OUR personal well being than He is anything else.

Lost...

Every night, when my baby boys close their little eyes for the day, I normally take advantage of this time and clean, do laundry, prepare meals and snacks for the next day, listen to a TON of messages by great men of God, write a few sentences for a book that I pray will one day come to fruition, listen to worship, read and occasionally watch a movie while pointlessly checking my facebook and instagram.

Evenings are and have been extremely difficult. Period!

Everything about evenings, I could write a huge list, but I’m guessing you can figure it out without the list. Apart from the list it is hard in the sense of trying to figure out what I am supposed to do from the small things to the great things. Getting a grasp of who I am without Brent or with him.

In my “normal life” Brent and I would spend the evenings together, I always made him rub my feet and tell me what his message was going to be for the next Sunday service. We would have the best time ever, after all we were best friends… soul mates. (And yes, we did fight! Isn’t that what husbands and wives do? I even miss fighting with my husband! Normally, he just sat there and listened to me nag my little heart out!! Hahahaha What a guy to put up with me)

Somehow, tonight was different. Every single message I tried to listen to kept pausing and restarting after like 10 minutes and I just couldn’t get into ANY message.

Every worship song I played seems to just bug me and I was getting irritated. I didn’t feel like cleaning, I didn’t feel like writing or reading or preparing anything for the kids. I didn’t’ feel like sleeping (hence it’s 1:21 A.M.) NOTHING! Nothing was satisfying. I FELT AND FEEL SO VERY VERY LOST!

How often do we ever ask God, in the midst of our frustration and loneliness and feeling that God and everyone around us has foraken us, IF THERE IS ANYTHING HE wants to show us!

Tonight, I purposely whispered to the Lord in my heart, “I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to do anything you have called me to do, I just want to sit here and take in the lost feeling.

I’m not mad, I’m not mad at God, I just felt like taking in what is. I’m about to admit something really emabarassing. A few years ago, Brent and I got hooked on this really dumb show called LOST! Every episode dragged on about how there were mysterious things happening on this Island, and group of people that got stuck there from a plane crash were trying to figure out what was causing this mysterious thing. Every episode you think you’re about to find out WHAT is going on in the Island ONLY to have to wait for the next episode, and the next and so on.

I hate comparing my life to that, but that’s exactly how I feel. Everyday I wonder what great revelation God is going to show me, only to just have to wait. In the midst of waiting there are many future fears and almost feels like I’m not going anywhere because I am stuck in the state of grief. The Bible says, “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and HE shall strengthen our heart; Wait I say on the Lord.” –psalm 27:14

I miss my husband beyond any words could ever even express and I am not afraid to admit I feel so very lost without him. In a sense I know that it’s not a bad thing. The reason God even created woman was for the very fact of coming alongside her husband and to be a helpmate. My entire life has completely been rocked, my life, my boys life, my “work” in ministry, my church, my friends. People don’t know what to say to me so it’s either awkward to I just don’t fellowship to avoid the awkwardness, or have to make them not feel awkward by pretending life is a little decent. (which I know is no ones fault)

YET, I also recognize that my entire IDENTITY is, should be, and needs to be, fully Jesus Christ and IN Jesus Christ. So often, and were all guilty of this, we place so much of who we are in the people or things that are around us. Again, I know that so much of who I am is my life with my husband Brent, BUT I will continue to feel lost and even truly be lost if I am not pouring my entire being in who Christ has called me to be IN HIM! His Word is so perfect, flows perfectly and will never ever disappoint.

Do I question that? Yes, but honestly, I really do trust Jesus that HE knows what He's doing and that it’s perfect, beyond perfect because HE is God and we can see the future or understand His ways. Yes, I am disappointed in the Lord's allowing Brent to leave this earth and having to endure such immense pain. But again if our source of life was to be cut off because of the storm then the world wouldn’t see the Light that is in us. To burn brighter in the midst of the lost feeling, To proclaim HIS glory and HIS goodness because of our willing desperate hearts to say, “we are SO VERY LOST WITHOUT YOU!”

May we find our identiy in HIM and when the storm rocks us our anchor has not shifted.

My Will vs HIS Will: Being Torn

I have been asked many questions during this tragedy of our lives. I have been given LOTS of advice, council and opinions. From the outside looking in, I often wonder what people are thinking.

If they know I'm just trying to get through my day as best as I can OR if they judge/question the activities I do, the place where I live and so on. I know myself, and it can be SO easy to say what you would be doing without ever entering the situation.

I remember thinking one night, "if anything ever happened to Brent I would just die, lose it and maybe even turn from my faith." Well, as Jesus saw fit to take Brent home there have been many nights where I feel like all of those things may happen, BUT don't and haven't. As a matter of fact the nights I feel like I may lose it, have made me stronger, the nights where I feel like i'm just going to die, God reminds me of HIS purpose and plan for me here on this earth are good and not evil, the times where I think my faith is being rocked have given me a deeper sense of knowing that God is right there with me and my faith in HIM has increased.

On top of all that we have to go through, one of the toughest things I face is knowing God's will. Where does HE want to me live? Should I homeschool or do private school? Should I get a job or raise my boys (that's not even an option right now by the way, the thought just runs in my head sometimes. Of course raising my boys is priority!!) I have 2 amazing families, it is very difficult to know where I should be living.

It's so hard not having a covering, my husband being the boys and my covering to make all these decsions for us. I miss my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters dearly and when I am around them I remeber how much I miss hanging out with everyone! The boys have a blast because in my crazy spanish family there is NEVER a dull moment. I get to do mother-daughter things and can just leave my boys without asking if someone can watch them! It's simply freeing and comfortable. I can be myself and not care about things like the fact that I hate cooking because all my sisters and mom and grandma cook enough for tribes!!! lol

Then I have my other family. Brents family. I have lived near them (and with them at one point) for the past 12 years of my life. I have a bond with them that not many can say they have with their in-laws. I love Brent's sisters as my own, his nieces as my own and his parents are truly parents to me. Of course the boys are so dearly close in relationship to them and I could never want to live without them or far from them.

So how do I know what's best? Where do I go or live or raise Jaiden and Micah. Do I base it off of feelings emotions or family? Well part of being human is buliding relationships, but more importantly is being RIGHT WHERE GOD HAS AND WANTS YOU!

Jesus tells us that if we love anything more than Him, including family then we are not deserving of being His disciples. We have to be willing to leave all for what He called us to. Where He has opened a door and provided for is right where the boys and I are.

One night, after Brent was already sick, I was asking all the hard questions, "babe, what and where would you want the boys and I to be." His answer was not what I wanted to hear. He said, "Andrea, God will guide you, HE will show you as you seek Him, He'll open and close doors." Of course he had certain opinions, but in the grand scheme of things he knew that it really didn't matter what he wanted it mattered and matters what HE (GOD) wants.

I just wanted him to give me an answer, to make things easier on me! I wanted Brent my husband to guide me through this life even if he couldn't be here. I am now having to learn to fully lean and trust Jesus to be my guide. In a perfect world it would be perfect right? Well obviously it's not and if we are not seeking HIM and HIS will then we will be TORN.

One of my favorite verses is:
"BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO TRUSTS IN THE LORD HE IS LIKE A TREE PLANTED BY WATER, THAT SENDS OUT ITS ROOTS BY THE STREAM, AND DOES NOT FEAR WHEN HEAT COMES, FOR ITS LEAVES REMAIN GREEN AND IS NOT ANXIOUS IN THE YEAR OF DROUGHT, FOR IT DOES NOT CEASE TO BEAR FRUIT." -Jeremiah 17:7-8

When the heat is turned up, when we are feeling torn, He tells us in 2nd Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is enough and His power is enough in our weakness, therefore we can gladly boast so that Christ power may rest in us. When we feel torn, we can rest because it ultimatly doesn't matter where we are location wise or spiritually, if we are grounded in His word and trust Him then we will be right where HE provides us to be.

He NEVER once said that it would be easy so where do we get that idea from? Ourselves. We want it to be easy so bad , but that wouldn't require any faith on our end.

I am learning to be strong, but NOT strong in my flesh, STRONG IN THE SON JESUS CHRIST because, "The Lord will keep us from all harm-He will watch over our coming and going both now and forevermore."- Psalm 121:7-8

Even though at times I am sad not being where maybe I would want to be, I can fully rest in knowing I am exactly where the Father wants me to be becasue he has provided and guided.

A Glimpse of Sunshine

Earlier today my sister in law and I had a thought provoking conversation.

I was sharing with her how interesting it is that you can have such a bond with someone you don’t even know who has suffered in a similar way. As much as you hate the fact that you have this kind of bond with someone, it is also a breath of fresh air.

“How awful to think that”, I thought to myself! To be relieved in a way that other people are suffering and hurting just as much as I am and to feel like you can breathe just by knowing that, is honestly kind of strangely rude!

I mediated throughout the day about this concept only to realize how NORMAL and NOT RUDE it was to think about this. Thinking about other people in this world suffering actually takes my eyes OFF OF MYSELF off my storms, sadness and life, only recognize that God has given me the ability to truly turn my suffering into a God given encouragement for those who may not have the same hope or perspective.

YES, every morning I wake up in sadness knowing that this is my lot in life, to not grow old with the man I love so deeply to know my kids dad will never coach their soccer team and so on, BUT I also recognize that there is a CHOICE to go through life downcast, unusable, tired, angry and truly miserable……even if I feel like I deserve to feel that way everyday. (which we don’t deserve anyway) OR to choose to say, “”WILL YOU OH GOD, TURN MY MOURNING INTO DANCING! “ –psalm 30:11

Paul writes about how our suffering are to be used to comfort those who suffer also……I believe he understood that we can relate in this way as he suffered beyond anyone I have ever read about. He goes on to say that the sufferings in this world DO NOT compare to the glory which awaits us. (Romans 8:18)

I can genuinely say that I am truly truly looking forward to heaven and am not afraid of death! When we leave this earth we enter into our glory, that which has been purposed for us from the moment we were created! Heaven is going to be beyond amazing and we should never be sad to leave this earth or be afraid for that matter. I’m not gonna lie, before Brent got sick I was kinda afraid to go to heaven. It’s the unknown, why would I want to be somewhere I don’t know about!! Since Brent has entered into his forever home ALL I can think about and read about is HEAVEN!!!!! And we should all be reading and grasping an understanding of why we even exist.

The reality is, is that people suffer. All around us. Some to greater extents than others, we all go through our sufferings differently BUT the difference is how we choose to use what God has given us to handle. Seeing others broken and hurting ONLY breaks my heart so much that I somehow want to shout at the top of my lungs that Jesus says, “He gives power to the weak, and for those who have no might HE increases strength. ……….” Indeed we count them blessed who endure.”……The Lord has anointed Me…..to comfort all who mourn…….to give them the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..” -Isa.61:1-3 “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”- psalm 30:5

I KNOW first hand that this is not easy when you don’t naturally have the Joy of the Lord, but I have to choose to believe that in His time there will be joy, when we understand why God does what He does and we may never know until we get to heaven and our understanding is opened.

Sometimes I hate to be joyful and want everyone around me to know how miserable I am but I realize how silly that it and if I believe God for who He says He is that I need to know that He is true to HIS promises. There are glimpses of joy, where the sun peeks through the clouds and a ray of sunshine shines on my boys and I it is then that I remember to thank God for ALL He has already given to me.

Andrea Yim

Upcoming Events

Andrea will be speaking:

  • February 3rd-5th: Calvary Chapel South Bay Women's Retreat
  • March 31st -April 1st: Calvary Chapel High Country Women's Retreat

From Facebook

When Brent first went to be with Jesus, I didn't think I could even survive my next breath. His mom would often tell me,...

Posted by Andrea Yim on Friday, April 1, 2016