- Created: Saturday, 04 January 2014 16:12
- Written by Andrea Yim
“I could NEVER go through what you have gone through.”I’ll never forget one day when Brent was sick, we were back and forth in the hospital, doing chemo, radiation, learning to eat green, etc… life was just crazy and I hated every second of what we were going through… and I thought to myself and prayed to God, “Lord IF you take Brent I will NEVER be able to walk with you again how will I ever trust you!!”
Before you go experience something you CAN NOT say how you will feel or what you will be like or what you will do. Before you have kids you think you “know” exactly how you will parent because for sure your kids will NOT be like those naughty children you see in the grocery store. Then lo and behold you have children and eat your words! Hahaha I always tell my son Jaiden, “how do you know you don’t like it? You haven’t even tried it yet!”
I have heard these words over and over again in these past 20 months and honestly, I know I was that person that thought I knew what I would do in any given situation, and yet…..somehow by Gods grace I have walked deeper, I have clung tighter, I have trusted more and I have longed to see Jesus and be where we have been created to be.
Don’t misinterpret my words. I have had an extremely difficult time grieving. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t even move forward because It still, yes still hurts SO bad. I think people want to make me feel better so they say things like,” oh you’re young you can get remarried.” OR you’re still having a tough time?” Etc. Which is fine. I’m not angry (anymore) at those comments because I fully understand where people are coming from. I don’t use Brent’s death as a crutch to say woe is me, or try to explain things away BUT honestly that’s exactly what it is. Sometimes it just naturally comes out without me even recognizing. My husband had brain cancer, died and left me with 2 children…yes sometimes I just can’t handle this overwhelming sense of what’s called LIFE.
GRIEF IS A LIFETIME JOURNEY!! I will NEVER be the same, think the same, feel the same, NEVER. And those who are in the comfort of this life will never be able to understand this concept. Behind closed doors I struggle DAILY to keep my head above water… I hesitate to say this because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me… instead I really want people to understand that HARD TIMES ARE PREPARING US FOR HEAVEN!! I heard a message about how back in the old days parents would prepare their children for war, tough times, how to plant seeds and make their own food, and now a days we think God hates us if we can’t get reception in the mall!!!!!! (ps that’s totally me! Anytime something goes wrong, well God must hate me!)
The Bible says, “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?” –Jer. 12:5
Basically, our life was not meant to be easy or to be delivered from hardships and no it doesn’t mean God is against us!!! It may FEEL like that, but we have stand on what is truth!! Quite the opposite. God loved us so much that HE sent His only son so that when we do leave this earth (which one day we all will) we can have real true life everlasting!!! Honestly, I know this sounds weird, and I used to hear people say things like what I’m about to say, and used to not grasp what they were saying because it felt so wrong, but there are moments where I almost feel special/blessed that God would give me such a tremendous trial/burden to carry. Why? Because HE has great things prepared for those who love HIM and keep their faith!! My faith is small (ask my family) I’m always doubting, especially when it comes to the future, but the Bible says even if I have a tiny bit of Faith HE can move mountains.
2 Corinthians 13:5 says to examine yourself if you are in the faith truly you don’t know what you would do unless you are given the situation. Stand strong friends. Keep the Faith finish your course.
My mother in law always tells me, “moving forward is not forgetting.” And life, grieving, etc. looks different for every single person on this earth. Some daily grieve, some comes in waves. Some remarry others never do. Some turn from Jesus, others turn TO Jesus. Some choose to stay angry others accept their lot….either way deep, deep down in there we know God loves us and we just have to keep walking.
Grief doesn’t look a certain way.
There are days where I have taken 6 steps forward, then the next 2 steps back, then 1 step forward and 8 steps back, Every step I know and feel Jesus carrying me through. People, family, friends may have their ideas with how I am dealing with losing Brent, being alone and raising 2 boys alone, BUT I GENUINLY TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I WILL KEEP MY FAITH IN JESUS CHRSIT BECAUSE HE IS WHAT SATISFIES THE LONGING VOID IN MY HEART/SOUL. AND HE WILL SUSTAIN ME THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE. AND HE WILL KEEP JAIDEN AND MICAH.
I do however want to say this. I am in AWE of the body of Christ. Seriously, the blessings that people bring forth, the love the sharing in our grief, the financial help, the desire to be there for the boys and I and Brent’s family. The response is truly a treasure and I AM GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL truly, truly am.
In the car one day Brent said, “besides God healing me what would you ask God to do?” I replied, “bless in return ALL those that have been there for us, whether here on earth or in heaven, that God would reward all those who have sacrificed time, money and energy towards our family.”
For all of you I am eternally grateful. Even for you reading, I would probably get annoyed by someone always venting their whole life on media! Hahahahahaha
We will be in glory one day, but for now we stay steadfast and immovable.