Accepting

I read this blog today from another widow. "Sometimes I'm not sure how to word what I feel and as time passes by I have a hard time saying I'm doing ok, even though I am, because I fear people will think I have moved on and forgotten when in reality it's just different now. Not harder, not easier, just different. With different challenges and waves of sadness, everyday, I have learned to lay Brent at the altar, and everyday I CHOOSE to give my boys a good childhood and I choose to persevere. But that doesn't always mean it's easy." I wish I had written these words BUT they relay my heart so much:

I remember so vividly the morning after my husband died. I could not understand how the sun could come up after he left this world. How could life go on so carelessly for everyone else while mine was shattered. The pain being so deep, my life feeling so empty, my world being so cold. The sun did rise that morning and it has every morning since.

It takes time to accept that reality. It takes a lot of hard work grieving, and a lot of empty, lifeless moments. From the start of my loss I knew it was not my ending but rather the ending to a time-period in my life. I knew in time there would be new beginnings but little did I know the twists and turns that lie ahead.

My post-sunrise beginnings have been breathtaking. Yes, they still have pain, but they now have the perspective of loss, and that vantage point has blessed me with a deeper love of life and a more appreciative soul. My new normal, while very different than my old life, is ripe with more beauty than I ever dreamed possible.

Today, look at the sunrise and start seeing your new beginning in the distance. You don't have to run and embrace it today if you are not ready, but accept it's existence and be open to the beauty it just might hold for you.

The ONE Leper

(A blog of gratitude)

11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy[a] met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” – Luke 17:11-19

These last few months I have been reflecting A LOT on life but more consumed by death. I am grateful for my kids, yet completely ungrateful that my husband is no longer here. I am thankful for the family I have near me, yet ungrateful that I can not be nearer to my own family. I am so thankful for all that I have, yet ungrateful at what I don’t have. I can’t understand why my brain and heart contradict each other, but they do. And in both aspects… I am truly ungrateful and TRULY thankful all at the same time.

The week that Brent got sick, the above passage in Luke was given to me. Brent was standing in his parents backyard and I’ll never forget telling him that I personally never wanted to be like those nine lepers, that came and got what they wanted from Jesus YET never returned to praise HIM and give him thanks!

Yet, that is where I find myself in life right now as I struggle.

It’s hard when day in and day out I am consumed with the constant thought of death. When I seem so distracted with my thoughts of Brent or death to even enjoy anything in life. I struggle having a desire to work or go to school to get a degree so I can financially support my family, because I have NO desire to do that and no emotional energy.

Of course I get that I still live here on earth, and understand that we have to keep living and so I do pursue these things and I hate to sound so depressing, but I am just saying it like I’m truly feeling. I seem to have little energy to do anything, cook, get ready, hang out with people (although I do make an effort to do all of these because I KNOW it’s good and of course for my boys) BUT I find myself restless and wanting to be home because I literally can’t even think.

I guess it’s all part of the process of grief. And although I know grief can’t be an excuse forever it seriously does take its toll and it has on me for sure. I’m concluding that it will forever but praying it subsides.

I am STILL always thinking about Brent and sometimes just shake my head of all that has happened. I continue to miss him and have just come to a point where I don’t feel pressured by the world to “move on” and I can just miss him if I want to.

And I can cry when I want, I don’t have to get rid of any of his things if I don’t want to and I’m learning to not care about opinions and learning to HEAR FROM GOD and HIS opinion!

His opinion in where to go what to do because ultimately HE is the ONLY ONE that knows what's best but also HE KNOWS MY HEART AND MY DESIRES and that gives me a truly grateful heart. Gratitude in knowing that God has GOOD THINGS in store for me and they are personalized. That I don’t have to follow the crowd just for a clap or pat on the back.

God has been SO GOOD TO myself, Jaiden and Micah. And as I have been reflecting and choosing to remember ALL of God's goodness it has brought me to a place of true rest and a THANKFUL PRAISING HEART.

I can recount how God has literally paid for my mortgage for the past 2 years straight, how groceries have just sat on my front porch when I needed it most, how opportunities of sharing our story to encourage the body just pop up!! How random guys will be at a pond to fish with Jaiden and Micah and the boys just literally LOVE it!!!!!! (because would you rather fish with your mom or a bunch of guys who fish with hot dogs lol)

How God has brought godly men in my boys life who loved Brent and now love on Jaiden and Micah. I have seen God's hand carry out many of Brent's visions and desires and they continue to. The Lord's hands have been the light when the darkness seems as though it’s winning.

You know, this Leper stood in line just like the other 9 waiting and longing to be healed of this horrific out casting disease. There stood Jesus …..HOPE when there was none. I think about how desperate those men must have been. I would have been begging for healing! So Jesus, moved with compassion speaks healing upon them and lovingly heals. Truly these men were beyond excited!

They had new life and hope….but they never once stopped to simply say, “Thank you.” ONE MAN, recognized what Jesus had done for him and he did. He turned around to thank God and PRAISE Him.

So, in an attitude of gratefulness, I have to say that I am truly so blessed and tonight…….. I am thankful. I carry a total burden of sadness, I’m not going to lie, BUT I am truly grateful and pray that God continues to give me the desires of my heart according to HIS will. Not only is this what the Lord wants, but knowing my husband the way I know him, he would want me to thank Jesus and be grateful and happy while I still live here on this earth.

Fighting for Love

(11 years ago today)

Now I’m not a love expert, but I sit here tonight, thinking about 11 years ago, Love, marriage, family, children, the Cross and all sorts of different love that we experience here on this earth. I can’t help but think about the Love that Brent and I shared and the love that I still have for him.

The love/hurt pain that hits me at 11 0’clock at night, almost every single night, kids asleep, house clean, homeschool lessons done, alone missing that Love that I once knew.

You know, I hear it often, some people will tell me they have never seen a love the way Brent and I had, or that at such a young age we experienced more than some do in a lifetime, but I must confess if we would have been graded on marriage we would have gotten a big F or maybe a D-... : )

In our first years of marriage I couldn’t understand why people even got married! Hahaha I think at one point I even told Brent, “I love you, but I hate being married!” Now, give me a break I was only 19 years old, who knows anything at that age. BUT inside, deep inside my soul and heart I was so absolutely crazy in love with him. Pushing all arguments and petty things aside I could be anywhere at anytime doing anything AS LONG AS I WAS WITH BRENT I didn’t care.

I couldn’t explain how my heart could leap out of my chest when I heard him talk or saw his smile or just smelled his cheek. As a matter of fact I did go with him everywhere!!! I stopped going to school, worked 3 jobs at one point while we were engaged just to save so we could be together.

We got married, had NO home, lived with his parents, while he had a broken arm living downstairs, moved to the Bible college and lived in a tiny dorm room for 2 years with no kitchen, one car etc. you get the point.

I left my family, friends, life and everything I knew just so I could be with him and go wherever he went. We sold everything we had, moved to Hawaii, came back and finally settled in Murrieta at the Bible college. Then found out we were going to be parents.

At that point love changed. Now a precious little baby invaded that love between two people and made the love GRANDER into a family-of-three kind of love. The love was divided in a good way, but also in a way that had to be fought for. Soon more love joined our family when another life was given to us to love even MORE.

Then again the love between two people got even more divided and more fighting for our love and marriage was involved. That’s when love became a fight. In life's busyness Brent and I experienced a lot in our marriage, from struggles to fights, to happy quiet times and lots of MINISTRY, MINISTRY, MINISTRY (which to this day I count as the biggest blessing and privilege I ever had was to be the wife of a pastor, not a pastor's wife, but his wife) we experienced warfare, blessings etc…. There were so many different seasons in our marriage all very good but all had its challenges.

In all of life's chaos, and in all the hurdles we had to jump in marriage, I can honestly say, though it wasn’t perfect, BRENT AND I FOUGHT FOR WHAT WE HAD EVEN WHEN SATATN AND THIS WORLD CAME IN TO DESTROY. And you know what? It ONLY MADE OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER GROW. We matured with one another, we jumped those hurdles and made it through some of the most challenging situations. Those times made us honestly stronger, more mature and we were even able to counsel others through some of the same things.

When Brent became ill, our love changed again. It was a deeper, different kind of love. Suddenly NOTHING seemed to matter. Ministry, our home, fashion, what we had, fights, etc. you get the point. ALL that seemed to matter was making sure we had each other (and our boys). One day, as Brent got more and more sick, I was helping him in the shower, he was weak, unable to talk much, stand up or do a lot at this point and I remember he looked at me and said, “ Babe, you never thought you’d be doing this uh? Helping your husband in the shower this young.” Then he just smiled, and I smiled back and said, “nope, I never did.”

My hearts hurts remembering back to that time, but I can’t help but share it for this very reason:

When you stand at the alter, what do you think your vows even mean when you are saying them and making that covenant????????????? When you say, “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…..until DEATH do you part.”

Why, why are marriages giving up so easily these days? No duh there are going to be tough times. You take two people and try to make it one? Obviously there are going to be issues, and hard times BUT what's the point of vows if you just throw in the towel so easily!? I understand some people are harder to live with than others, but how willing are you to FIGHT for what is there?

You know, every time I get to share at a church I always remind the women how blessed they are to be able to make dinner for their husbands and do their laundry, I can NOT tell you enough how desperately I miss that. I get irritated inside when I hear things like, “oh my husband is gone for a few days, I get the bed to myself or I don’t have to do any of those chores.”

You know what? Knowing what I do now, if I got the chance over again (with Brent) I would hold my spouse EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AND tell him how deeply, madly in love I am with him. YES every…single………night……..and thank him for working so hard and helping with the kids….etc.

11 years ago today I had the honor and privilege of becoming Brent Yim's wife. He was my best friend, the love of my life, he irritated me more than any other person ever could, he made me laugh hard, he made me mad, he led me spiritually, he worked hard, except when he had to take out the trash haha (he got better as the years passed) he was an incredible father, pastor, leader, husband and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.

BUT tonight, I’m praying for those who are weary in their relationships, not to give up! To persevere even when those “feelings” are not there anymore. When life seems “greener” on the other side to remember what you said at the altar, to ask God for strength and peace, the God who gives to all who ask and seek. There is ALWAYS HOPE when things look hopeless.

I am praying that we would all be examples to the next generation of what a healthy home should look like. I’m truly praying for you tonight. That "self" would NOT be in the marriage covenant but it would be about how you can be a blessing/servant to that person that God has given to you. That humility would fill your hearts and minds, that you would be gracious and loving. That you would FIGHT for what is, and not what is not.

Happy 11th anniversary to you Brent.

It has been 2 years

It has been 2 years on May 8th since the last time I looked at Brent and kissed him goodbye…..for now. I have so much that I want to share that I don’t know where to begin or if I can really relay the message that is in my heart.

I have had moments of strength and moments of weakness. In those weak moments of feeling as though I have failed in grieving well and have failed in my spiritual walk, I have had the Saviors hand lift me back up again only to restore me. I have had my family and Brent's parents uphold me, speak truth into my heart and mind and have cared for my boys and me.

In those moments when I’m feeling as though I can live and feel strong, I remind myself it’s only by God's grace, HIS strength AND HIS HOPE that HE has provided by His Son Jesus Christ that gets me through another day. Because I am most weak and I’m not afraid to admit it.

My boys have filled my heart with more joy and laughter than I could have asked for, but there are days when in the midst of learning to parent alone, I think I might just put myself in the mental hospital! (haha) Those parenting moments when Brent was here, never would we watch so much TV or play video games, but now where I’m just trying to get the dishes done, make dinner, pay bills, read my Bible, have a simple conversation, do laundry etc… and the boys watch an extra show, or play an extra 20 minutes of a video game just so I can personally survive, as I hear other moms say, “I don’t let my kids play video games.”

Even though I do hate it for them, it is what it is. Taking on new responsibilities, more fears and less energy is my new normal. To say the least it has been EXTREMELY difficult and emotional to deal with Brent's absence and to relearn how to live this new normal, new life and learning to accept it.

It has been 2 years of pain and grief and weariness. I have lost friends and I have made new ones, I have had to put relationships aside because of the overbearing expectations and I have had to be ok with being alone most of the time. Sometimes it is good, and other times it just stinks! At times I catch myself still thinking Brent is going to walk in the door at any given moment. But as time goes on that memory of him coming home is now only a memory and I hold on to it for dear life.

I wish the audience that reads this could truly know exactly how I feel so that I wouldn’t have to write it, but I guess that would mean you would have had to experience it and I don’t pray that for anyone. I MISS HIM. I MISS HIM SO MUCH I COULD NEVER BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN IT. And so I won’t. Gosh the breath gets taken away still often and the shock of it all never really ever goes away. I am plagued with the thought of death almost every second of everyday, no exaggeration. Death and Heaven is where most of my thoughts are throughout the day and I long for heaven, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid to go through the process to get there. In a way I think how awesome that Brent does NOT have to do it again. He’s done. He did it. But we are still here, YIKES we still have to go through the process of death unless our Lord Jesus comes back for us!

A few days ago, I was driving home from my in laws and this huge wave came over me, I couldn’t breathe and the tears wouldn’t stop. I’d remember what it was like to simply hold his hand in the car as we drove…..and I couldn’t do that anymore. To lean in for a kiss, to make him a plate at dinner, to go out to a movie on a date, to hear the laughter of the kids and their daddy playing, to stay up late with your best friend and laugh and talk, to feel the safety of having someone to protect you and your kids, and to have someone that will back you up no matter what. Now I have the responsibility to fight alone, protect my children, provide for our family, lead us spiritually, no one to hold, no one to talk to, complain to, run to, cry to, laugh with….on and on. It is a battle, daily.

People (who have never lost someone) say things like, “well you gotta move on” or “you can’t stay stuck forever.”- Which is fine, I totally get what they are saying, and I’m TRULY not bitter (anymore) at those comments, yet I would say, living another day is moving on, one step in front of the other.

I recently joined a Grieving counseling class at Calvary Chapel Chino Hills. The past 4 months or so I was REALLY struggling and it came to a point where I NEEDED something to give me practical/ spiritual help in this process. (Psalm 88:2-3 “May my prayer come before you God; turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.”)

At first I was hesitant thinking, “how is this going to help me, I already have everything I need (God's word) and it’s not like they can bring Brent back and that’s what I really want. BUT, I was wrong. I have enjoyed every single Tuesday night with people who long for heaven. Who have a true grasp of death and heaven and grief.

I have learned that not one person is the same nor any situation. That grief will last a lifetime BUT happiness can slowly seep its way back in IF I choose to let it. I have met people who have lost more than one child, or tragic accidents and have learned that everyone suffers and the world doesn’t revolve around me, my kids or one person to say the least. And if you have not suffered trials, I hate to break it to you, but one day you will, each day one person loses someone, or a job is lost, or storms hit in ways they never have before. BUT we can NOT live our lives in fear!!!!

I had a conversation with a friend and she said, “everything is going so well for me I’m afraid to enjoy it because I’m scared something bad is going to happened.” I just looked at her and said, “something bad WILL HAPPEN so enjoy the breath of calmness!!!” Now I didn’t mean that in weird mean way, but it’s true isn’t it?? At some point in our lives, whether you’re 30 or 90 we will have to face death, loss of a job, storms etc…..

I have been able to share our story and Brent's life with others and Jesus in him. It is Jesus that our eyes need to be set upon and NOT this earth or the happiness in it. I have learned that anger and isolation is not how I want to live my life nor do I want my kids exposed to that THEREFORE everyday is a choice to wake up and thank God for what I did have and what I have NOW. I could NEVER thank God enough for CHOOSING me to be Brent's wife and for giving me the privilege to raise his/our kids (even though it is hard).

A turning point

One night after my grief class, I turned on a song in my car, and the words say, “EVERYTHING is on the alter now, no holding back. In view of YOU take every treasure take this life. …… God you are greater than life, all that I am for ALL that You are. IT’S ONLY IN SURRENDER THAT I’M TRULY FREE.” As I was listening and crying, I knew God was speaking to me.

I knew HE was telling my heart to leave Brent at the alter. To give him to the Lord and let Him have him. To leave him there, NOT FORGET HIM, NOT LEAVE HIM AND NEVER REMEMBER MY LIFE WITH HIM BUT to TRUST THE LORD AND KEEP LIVING MY LIFE ON THIS EARTH TO BRING HIM GLORY. For the time I was able to be with Brent I have to thank God and be grateful.

I knew/know that I cannot live in this state of depression or grief whatever you want to to call it. I know that there is a time to be born and a time to die. I know that God is not done with me and my kids and I have to have faith and trust. That word Faith has been put to good use these last 2 years, but to be honest most of the time I literally have to force myself and talk to myself (that’s what happens when you’re alone, you go crazy :) that God knows exactly what He was doing that day when Brent found out he had a brain tumor. The day the doctor walked in and told me, “your husband has 12 months.”

Everything really is, if you think about it, a choice. I choose to go to a grief class and trust that God would somehow use it in my life and He most certainly has. I choose a lot of things and right now where I am, although I need lots of prayer, I choose to leave Brent at the alter. I love him still. I miss him so much. I can still see him walking around our house with a box of either wheat thins or cheese itz leaving crumbs everywhere. I can still vividly remember every line on his hands and fingers, the way he walked and his really bad habits too.

I long to hear him preach (I still haven’t heard a preacher like him :) My stomach hurts so bad when I see married couples that we were friends with, still married and having more kids, it makes me sad that we were the ones chosen to endure this lot. I will never forget our life together because it’s a part of me it’s a part of our boys. I love my boys so much and so did Brent. We loved them together and for that I am truly grateful to have had the most wonderful dad to my/our boys.

I want to honor the Lord and honor Brent as best as I can and I continue to ask for constant prayers. As the storm settles, people have moved on I stand in this eerie quiet feeling of loneliness. I really don’t say that so people can feel sorry for me, it’s just the truth! I am learning now that really JESUS is what I’ve always needed and to make HIM priority in my life….BUT though I know this it is easier said than done.

One of my biggest struggles now, is the sadness I feel for Jaiden and Micah. I know WITHOUT A DOUBT they are going to be just fine.  They are amazing and smart and at this young age love Jesus. BUT my mommy heart can’t help but cry for the absence of their dad. Not just any dad, lol, BRENT!! He loved them so much and couldn’t wait to be a dad! He was so patient and kind and always took the time to just be with them, rock them play with them……and I cry often knowing they are missing out on all of that.

To not have a Dad as young boy, especially as Jaiden gets older, is just hard. (I can’t think of another word) I wish Brent could coach his soccer team and watch him at Karate!!! Micah is so crazy I know Brent would try to discipline him but then end up hugging and kissing him!! Hahahaha OH THE WHAT IFS……..

When you look at something up close, you can’t see the whole picture, so that’s when there is a necessity to step back, way back and try to imagine the bigger picture. God warns us that His ways are past finding out. They are bigger than our brains can even wrap themselves around and that’s when our faith gets put to use. I often find myself praying for faith for my kids. There are fears that if Brent was here maybe they would be like this or that. Having our life in ministry being pastor's kids……..To living with a single mom trying to survive!!

I have definitely questioned God's love and His will and way. One seems much better than the other BUT again He is God and His ways are PERFECT, then my faith says to trust. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has good things in store for Jaiden and Micah. Plans to prosper them not destroy them. To GIVE them a FUTURE and a hope. And so I rest as best as I can trusting , doing my part as their Mom here on earth and leaving the rest to the Father. He loves them more than I do and I remind both of them of that all the time.

I really have SO much fun with them and I don’t want to skip a beat!! I don’t want them to grow up to have a horrible childhood although I know theirs will not be a “normal” one that maybe some of their friends have. And I haven’t been the most patient with them BUT I can truly say, with a pure conviction the Lord has protected them and given me the ability to be the mom that I can. Do I cry in front of them?? YUMMMM DUHHH! I HATE when people tell me not to cry in front of my kids. It’s ridiculous. Do I weep, no, do I freak out, no, but of course I cry and of course they don’t like it but goodness give me a break. I’m so sure I’m going to just smile all the time! If I can be real on media and in front of all of you, my kids are going to get the real me. Jaiden doesn’t like it when I cry , but who would. It makes him sad, but then it gives me the opportunity to share the story of Jesus and Lazarus.

Jesus WEPT! He was sad, His friend had died and everyone saw him. So it’s just a normal part of life and he is young but understanding.

He doesn’t talk much about Brent. He is A LOT like Brent. A thinker and not a talker (although Brent could talk :) the pain for him is much deeper than most would think a 7 year old could have. He knows exactly what happened, he knows exactly what’s going on around him and he knows that daddy is not coming back. BUT he also knows we are going to daddy one day. And until then we just walk with the Father until we are also called home.

Micah talks about Brent EVERYDAY. He wants to dress like him, eat like him, he wants to look like him and he gets SO excited when we look at pictures and videos. He longs to know what his daddy is like and I love it. I talk to them about him all the time!! Pictures up in our house, right next to the boys….he will always be the 4th person in our family who has just gone away for a short time.

The Lord has brought some amazing godly men in their lives at church and just some of mine and Brent's guy friends. When they are around they love on the boys and it’s SO beautiful to see the body of Christ doing what His Word tells us to do. I have no doubt these certain men in their lives will leave an imprint on their little lives, and they already have.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” –Romans 15:13

Besides the obvious daily sadness and ups and downs, we have been extremely blessed. We have been beyond blessed with new friendships that have been there for our family, and a few old friendships, the financial help, spiritual uplifting etc……… Churches that have literally come alongside in doing exactly what the Word says about helping the widow! (I have such a perspective now on widows and single parenting that I never knew before) I have had the HUGE blessed opportunity to be home with my boys and homeschool them. (which will change soon due to financial responsibilities) We have had the freedom to visit lots with family and JUST BE TOGETHER IN THIS MOST DIFFICULT TIME.

Many of Brent's wise words stick with us today and quite frankly get me through some of my days!! I CANNOT change the fact that Brent got brain cancer, and went to be with Jesus. BUT I can choose whether to be an angry bitter person (I do have bad days) or I can realize that it is not my day yet to go and there is a purpose for my life, Jaiden's life and Micah's life and let God do HIS thing and have His way with us.

I choose happiness because God is full of LIFE. God's Word says that death has no sting! And to be honest, I know my husband would want that…not earthly happiness, I’m talking about fullness of Joy that only God gives. Happiness and Joy are two different things. The Bible says that our Joy comes from salvation and I am able to have that Joy because we will be reunited one day.

Beyond Thankful

Heaven will reward those. My Mom and Dad are so gracious in understanding this is where God has the boys and I (in California while they are in New Mexico) although they desperately want to help in every way possible and have as much as our states away permit them! They have been my prayer warriors and have taken a lot from their sassy, grieving daughter!! (I love you mom and dad)

My sisters and sister-in-laws are just some of my greatest encouragers and I love them and wish so much we could live closer. Brent's Mom and Dad are not just in-laws to me. They are my second set of adopted parents, Janis (Brent's mom) has given me wisdom and prayed for me and has never said no when I needed her. They love Jaiden and Micah beyond words and Brent's sisters are my sisters. And in the midst of their own pain they have sacrificed so much for the boys and I and for EVERYONE above I am so thankful. Friends and churches etc…..I know Brent will hug each and every one of you for your love and blessings to us.

This life is nothing compared to what we will have in heaven. Until then “we will fight the good fight, we will finish our race, we will keep our faith.”
-Andrea Yim

The GREEN LEAF

A few months before Brent (my husband) entered the presence of Jesus I began to notice random bright green leaves in places that you would least expect them.

For one, a wind chime I found at world market….I’ve never even bought a wind chime, but Brent liked them and the green leaf one caught my eye…..thinking it represented life, so I bought it. As I stared at it I couldn’t help but think about the verse of the Tree planted by the river….rooted and grounded, therefore producing leaves. There are many, many stories, of someone writing verses on leaves…?? Like, who thinks of that hahahaha.

Then Brent and I had a lemon tree that we planted 2 weeks after he got diagnosed . The moment it was planted it flourished with beautiful bright green leaves and LEMONS!!! Tons of lemons.

Two weeks after Jesus took Brent into His hands the tree died. To this day not one green leaf has produced, not one lemon. NO matter how well I take care of it. The tree did it’s job. Brent was the only one to eat any of those lemons during his cancer and when the last one was taken, it bore no more. My lemon tree to this day is dead. No matter what I do, when it flourished SOOOO many lemons the day it was planted.

Today in Science class (we've been studying plants) we were specifically studying leaves. About how the leaves actually feed the plant in order for it to produce fruit. In an apple tree you need 30 leaves to produce just one round apple!!! Amazing right? Leaves have the exact right amount of nourishment it needs for the proper time it needs it for.

(There is a point I promise)

Tonight, I decided to go visit my husbands grave. I desperately miss him and sometimes try to figure out a way to bring him back. ( no I’m not losing my mind now…..don’t worry…. I lost it already the day my husband found out he had one year to live )

Anyways, I get to his gravestone, sit down, and just began to weep. I was wiping off his gravestone so it looked shiny, ( if you knew Brent and his perfectionist side you would understand he would want it nice and clean hahaha) Interesting enough there were no trees around just grass…..grass all around BUT there is was one Green Leaf. Sitting right on top of his gravestone.

I’m not superstitious or trying to be over-spiritual BUT I do feel and know that seeing that green leaf somehow brought to my mind and heart the word LIFE!!! A leaf , without chlorophyll looses it’s color, so I know that leaf was specifically there for the time I was there… maybe just for me? Who knows. BUT LIFE!!! Every time I’m there I truly trip out and get sick to my stomach to think that his body is under that ground. Hmmmmmmmmmm This is where the leaf comes in.. As I stared at it… the only leaf around (truly it really honestly was) The Spirit of the Lord reminded me of the word LIFE…………..LIVING…………FRUITFUL.

In a sense I was comforted to know that BRENT is the one living. We, here on this earth begin to lose our color. There are seasons, and in the different seasons leaves turn different colors then eventually die. In Heaven, Brents eternal home, our one day eternal home, we will NEVER EVER LOSE OUR COLOR.

This is not life guys. Our heavenly perspective should be life here on this earth… feeding the fruit by our leaves (think spiritually with me for a moment lol I’m still in 2nd grade-science-thinking from today). Our walks with the father should be and need to be like that in the Psalm. It says when we are planted by the living water we will be rooted planted and bearing much!!!!!! Brent’s leaf was green on this earth until it was time for his leaf to end. As leaves fall on the ground, and rain comes the leaf (not seed) actually begins the whole process over. Producing more trees, leaves and fruit. It benefits everything and everyone around us. I feel like that should be us, continuing in this life being vibrant and doing what God has called our Job to do.

All this might not make ANY sense to you and that’ fine because it totally makes sense to me and was like this awesome light bulb that went off.

As much as I miss the love of my life, I know that it was his time to fall to the ground….but not to be unfruitful but to continue to bear fruit so that others (us) can benefit and learn and grow. We can’t stop when it's our time to leave this earth, BUT we can be a fruitful bunch everywhere we go.

Some people may feel as though I a taking too long and need to move forward in regards to grieving Brent. BUT I tell you now for the rest of my life I will always grieve and love Brent. And I am moving forward in taking steps everyday to get up, and raise my babies in Jesus name. And, sometimes I wash my hair ;-) jk

I pray this blog makes sense. I’m like a second grader so excited to see how intricate and perfect God is.

Andrea Yim

Upcoming Events

Andrea will be speaking:

  • February 3rd-5th: Calvary Chapel South Bay Women's Retreat
  • March 31st -April 1st: Calvary Chapel High Country Women's Retreat

From Facebook

When Brent first went to be with Jesus, I didn't think I could even survive my next breath. His mom would often tell me,...

Posted by Andrea Yim on Friday, April 1, 2016